Thursday, September 05, 2013

The Most Important List of Poets Ever

Matt Henriksen is a half-blind/half-cyborg poet who drinks soda in a top hat 'cause he thinks he's better than everyone else.

I don't know about all the other lists of poets that have come out lately. They grade poets on their contribution to poetry, not, say, their ability to sit in a car, converse politely and avoid the feeling of death that accompanies most interactions with Matt Henriksen.

In May of 2011, Matt Henriksen visited Providence RI to read at Kate Schapira and Brent Legault's Publically Complex Reading Series (at Ada Books). My wife, Jennifer, had just returned from a year in the field doing research for her dissertation. She had had the car. I drove only a few times during the year and thus, when Matt turned up, was re-acclimating myself to driving the literally rough streets of Providence. Since, Mr. Henriksen (fuck him) has made fun of my driving on at least two separate occasions. THIS AGGRESSION WILL NOT STAND, MAN. 

I'm very serious about my driving. I learned from my brother, who is overly aggressive, and my father, who is the least aggressive person ever, at least on the road. In me, this has created a perfect balance of awesomeness. I may be bald, overweight, an above average poet, salsa dancer, professor and extremely above average hamburger maker, but degrading any of the items on that list wouldn't bother me. Make fun of my driving, however, and you'll find yourself ostracized, probably from all of humanity.

I can only imagine Mr. Henriksen drives like he picks baseball teams. Here now is an INCOMPLETE list (in order of remembrance) of poets who find me a perfectly fine driver (if I've forgotten you, please email me or leave a comment! WE MUST FIGHT THE SCOURGE THAT IS MATT HENRIKSEN):

1) Jessica Smith
2) Jerome Rothenberg
3) Johannes Goransson
4) Karen Lepri
5) Catherine Imbriglio
6) Gale Nelson
7) Darren Angle
8) Kate Schapira
9) Jordan Stempleman
10) Andrew Bourne
11) Claire Donato
12) Tony Tost
13) Mark Nowak

If I have forgotten that I gave you a ride, DON'T BLAME ME. BLAME MATT HENRIKSEN because I'm so angry right now that I CAN'T EVEN TYPE A LIST OF POETS WITHOUT FORGETTING SOME OF THEM TO WHOM I HAVE GIVEN RIDES ETC. Look at all the caps!

(seriously: if I've forgotten you, please let me know. If you disagree with your inclusion on this list, tell it to Castro.)

1 comment:

Gillian said...

You can drive?